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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #826
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    James and Annabella made a date.

    He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


    'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

    'Have a seat in the sitting room.
    Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

    'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
    'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

    'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach
    afterwards.'

    'Annabell likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

    'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.

    'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

    'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.

    ' Oh yes,' she said.

    'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

    'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

    A moment later, Annabella came downthe stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

    She greeted James.

    'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

    Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

    'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
    'The bloody dance is called the .... Twist!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #827
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

    The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

    All the students in the library started staring at the red-faced guy; he was truly embarrassed.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the bloke's table and said: "I'm studying psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

    The bloke then responded with a loud voice: $2000 FOR ONE NIGHT? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!

    All of the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The bloke whispered in her ear: "I'm studying law, and I'm learning how to screw people".




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #828
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the
    significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

    "Feathers show number of ***ual partners," the chief replied.
    Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one
    feather. Him?", pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
    The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

    The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief.
    Sleep with all women.
    Big, small, fat, tall."
    Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

    The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
    The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
    The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
    The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

    "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #829
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Untitled attachment 00055.jpg

    .........................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #830
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Suits me ok, being a Pest Control chap.
    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    Untitled attachment 00055.jpg

    .........................

  6. #831
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
    >>>
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
    >>>All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short
    sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers
    decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't
    wait!
    >>>--------------------------------------
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
    >>>Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
    today -- seems like a very nice man.
    >>>-----------------------------------------
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
    >>>At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
    >>>Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and
    had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
    >>>-----------------------------------------
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
    >>>Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
    him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
    champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could
    not be unfaithful to my husband.
    >>>-----------------------------------------
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
    >>>Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar,
    stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large
    drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
    night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with
    me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
    >>>-----------------------------------------
    >>>DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
    >>>Today I saved 2600 lives.
    >>>
    >>>Twice




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #832
    Member irishjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Did you read the news?

    A man was admitted to hospital after inserting 6 plastic horses up his arse.

    Doctors describe his condition as Stable.

  8. #833
    Senior Member Blaktop's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes
    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

    (This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?
    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
    In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
    20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
    interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest over the past 20 years, you
    could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No

    Man:
    Where’s your Ferrari?

  9. #834
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo , Japan .

    Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.



    'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'



    Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.



    Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'.



    'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.



    The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'



    The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.



    With trembling hands, the salesman withdrew his tender unit........

    which now had a button sewn neatly on the end




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #835
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
    The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

    'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

    'Very good,' said the teacher.
    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

    'That was a fine story Sarah.'
    Michael, do you have a story to share?'

    'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
    ran out of bullets.

    Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
    And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


    'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #836
    Member irishjim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

    He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred .'

    Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

    Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

    A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

    'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. ' Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

    'Never,' said Fred ...

    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

    He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

    As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

    " Fred , wake up! You've **** the bed!"

    Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

  12. #837
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas,
    but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

    Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

    Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

    The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.



    This is done by the chip monks.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #838
    Senior Member PaulG's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Squeaky voice "Hey Daaaave"



    "Aaaaaaalviiiiin"



    Coincidentally, I do some work for a retired Franciscan Sister here

  14. #839
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

    First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.


    As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.


    Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.


    He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?


    Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...


    He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.


    As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.


    By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.


    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"


    The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..................................


    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

    Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in

    Scotland quite
    cheaply.
    So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

    It was absolutely wonderful,
    it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
    so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
    whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
    the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried,
    the cow would move away from the bull,
    and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to
    the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
    ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

    If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
    before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
    "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

    "My wife is from Scotland "




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #840
    durko's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Why was the pie standin on the corner?

    It was Meetin Potato

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