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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #841
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom
    loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
    when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.
    Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the
    chicken to go get the Farmer for help!

    Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
    farm, he searched and searched for the Farmer, but to
    no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
    tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the
    Farmer's new Z3 silver BMW.

    Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started
    the beautiful motor car and sped off with a length of
    rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
    life. Back at the bog, the Donkey was surprised, but
    happy, to see the Chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and
    he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
    Chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to
    the rear bumper of the Farmer's car, the Chicken then
    drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
    rescued the Donkey!

    Happy and proud, the Chicken drove the BMW back to the
    farmhouse, and the Farmer was none the wiser when he
    returned. The friendship between the two animals was
    cemented: best buddies, best pals.

    A few weeks later, would you believe, the Chicken fell
    into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and
    cried out to the Donkey to save his life! The Donkey
    thought for a moment, walked over, and straddled the
    large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the Chicken
    to grab his Willie and he would then lift him out of
    the pit. The Chicken got a Good grip, and the Donkey
    pulled him up and out, saving his life.

    And the moral of the story?

    When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to
    pick up a chick.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #842
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
    Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
    Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
    They asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
    Talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
    To talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
    Wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #843
    Member of Forum starmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Four nuns go to Confession. The first burst of confession booths. The priest asks:
    - "What are your sins?"
    - "I am that man's finger touched a thing."
    - "It is a great sin, you need to soak your finger in the holy water that your sins are forgiven!"

    All the nuns are heard, but they pretended they did not. Get other ... The priest asks:
    - "What are your sins?"
    - "I am the one man's thing in her hand!"
    - "It is an even greater sin, you need to soak your hand in holy water that your sins are forgiven!"

    It hears the fourth nun, lunged in front of the third burst in confession booths and began to yell:
    '' You're crazy if you think I'm drinking this water, after the third washes in her ass!''


  4. #844
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Play football priests and nuns:
    Nuns have a great advantage of having a goalkeeper who has not received 43 years.

  5. #845
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Came the bus driver and Reverend at Saint Peter that they determine the fate of the first soul finds the bus driver and then Reverend, Reverend asks St. Peter's why he's not the first soul finds St. Peter tells him:
    - With you in prayer all asleep, and with him on the bus when he drives all pray!

  6. #846
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.A blonde walked by and
    asked them what they were doing.Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be
    finding the height of thisflagpole, but we don't have a ladder..'
    The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened
    a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of
    her pocket, took a few measurements,and announced that it was 18
    feet 6 inches.. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't
    that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height, and she gives us
    the length.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #847
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local bottle o.

    I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

    She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a ***y voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading *** for beer?" ...

    I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #848
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two Aussie sailors, Jacko and Davo, were adrift in a lifeboat after
    > their ship sank with the loss of all aboard apart from them.
    > While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an
    > old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
    > This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not
    > the standard three.
    > Davo immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Fosters beer."
    > The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
    > the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
    > Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
    > two men considered their circumstances.
    > Jacko looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
    > After a long, tension-filled moment Jacko said, "Nice going Davo!
    > ...Now we're going to have to p1ss in the boat."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #849
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    1472994_572853739460944_657718350_n.jpg

    ........................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #850
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Very sad news at the Cadbury factory in Tasmania today.

    A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.

    He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted

    "The Milky Bars are on me",

    everyone just cheered.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #851
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A young ventriloquist is touring, doing one night gigs, he's doing a show in a local hotel
    with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"


    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:


    "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  12. #852
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    kid has had his wisdom teeth out and is off his face from the anaesthetic
    http://youtu.be/LhN66sDMAIk




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #853
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #854
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face......




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #855
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee,
    'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

    'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

    'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

    'I would have been released today. '




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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