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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #856
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE


    Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
    beeeeeppp ....
    If you are one of our children,
    dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
    in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

    If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
    If you want to borrow the car, press 3
    If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
    If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
    If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
    If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
    If you want to come to eat here, press 8
    If you need money, press 9
    If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking .... we are listening !!!"

  2. #857
    Senior Member BeetleJuice's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Mrs asked me what I was doing today & I told her nothing.
    She said you did that yesterday & I replied your right but I wasn't finished

  3. #858
    Senior Member PaulG's Avatar
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    An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

    The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this – first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.”

    “Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”

    “We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing…..”

    The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”

    The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

  4. #859
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
    Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
    'What does that mean?' asked the child.
    'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you..'
    He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash...
    Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
    The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  5. #860
    Senior Member 4 Gardens's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Redeye I love your jokes..... They make my day ..... Thanks

  6. #861
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

    "Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

    "Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
    I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya!"

    St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

    *

    *

    "A couple of minutes ago."
    .................................................. .................................................. ........

    How to select a good retirement home
    !cid_FFD9C636CE714500B68072F6405684E5@user744f1731ad.jpg




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #862
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

    The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.



    The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

    The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

    The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

    The next night, the pub is packed.

    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

    The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

    The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

    Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

    The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

    In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

    The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

    The rabbit looks aghast.

    The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
    The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

    The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

    The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

    'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

    The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
    He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

    NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

    -----
    One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

    When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
    The barman says, 'Who are you?',

    To which he is answered,

    'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

    The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

    You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

    The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

    The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

    The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

    The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

    'I DIED', said the rabbit.
    'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

    After a short pause, the rabbit said...


    'Mixin-me-toasties.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #863
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet
    hotel for their wedding night.

    The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

    He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good
    strong bed."


    'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

    The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,


    'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #864
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Don't say you weren't warned...

    no gum.jpg
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  10. #865
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AFGHAN IMMIGRANTS

    While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.

    True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules"

    The second man replies "F**k off, towelhead"

    HANG GLIDER PILOTS

    The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky…


    Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.


    A night of tall tales begins….


    Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.


    Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".


    Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


    ...........................................
    I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me...

    My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.

    It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.

    I gave her a loving smile and said,

    "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer, for the price of 2."













    Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.


    He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it.


    Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big bląck bear.


    The bląck bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have ***."



    After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the bląck bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.



    He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the bląck bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.



    Either I maul you to death or we have rough ***." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.



    Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.



    He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #866
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man was having problems with premature *********** so he decided to
    > go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
    > problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
    > getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
    >
    > That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
    > pistol.
    > All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home,
    > he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began,
    > they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments
    > later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
    >
    > The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
    > did it go?"
    >
    > The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife
    > sh*t on my face, bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbour came
    > out of the closet with his hands in the air."

    .................................................. .................................................. .........

    In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.



    After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said - "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."



    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.



    "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."



    "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.



    I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.

    I have researched the history of ....."



    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f**ked."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #867
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    and another.....

    Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
    That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room,
    She flopped on the bed and said,
    "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
    Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would
    Not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
    Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
    "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
    Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
    "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
    In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,
    "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
    Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,
    "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
    At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
    "That's my boy! He served in the Navy.
    Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #868
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

    He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"

    "I'm a prostitute," she says.

    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."

    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."

    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."

    The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised a thousand c*cks last year."

    "Poultry Farmer it is."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #869
    Member of forum SM MOWING's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    You would be surprised to know that "Prostitute" is an actual profession/trade according to the ATO and is selectable in the drop down menu on most TAX Accounting Programs!
    Independent and i know it

  15. #870
    Senior Member PaulG's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So you want me to stay?"


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