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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #871
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
    She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
    He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
    So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
    One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
    After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
    She said, 'That was incredible!'
    He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
    So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
    After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
    He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer



    'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Newcastle but I worked both sides of the Hunter'
    .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...

    Two soldier boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to L/Cpls.

    Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

    "But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

    "We’re Lance/Cpls now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.

    "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

    "But we're privates," says Paddy.

    "Are you blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance/Cpls now!"

    So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.

    "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

    Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

    So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

    Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

    Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?

    "Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates."

    Pointing to his stripe, he says, "and we're Lance Cpls now!"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #872
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
    He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
    The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
    Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks,
    "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

    "Um... The head."
    "Good. Eight seconds."
    "Um... The heart."
    "That's right. Five seconds."

    "Oh... Um... Damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

    "That's close enough!

    You've won $100,000!"

    .................................................. ......................................

    A Panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . ..... . . . . Coke thank you".

    "Sure thing" the bartender replies and asks "But what's with the big pause ?"

    The Panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #873
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    10313977_704848639580077_3638554996196041920_n.jpg


    ....................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #874
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Love this chopper,. Do you mind if I use it?....thanks

  5. #875
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...e9c9a28&_uhb=1
    the joke is that people are bidding on it, located in china, zero feedback........

    edit - cut and pasted this? http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...9911415&_uhb=1




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #876
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...e9c9a28&_uhb=1
    the joke is that people are bidding on it, located in china, zero feedback........

    edit - cut and pasted this? http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...9911415&_uhb=1
    All of his "other items" also have contact Stihl Shop Penrith. Wonder if they know about it?
    http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...item338e9ca05d

  7. #877
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    [QUOTE=Redeye;133010]http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...e9c9a28&_uhb=1
    the joke is that people are bidding on it, located in china, zero feedback........

    edit - cut and pasted this? http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...9911415&_uhb=1[/QUOTE

    You are a good detective Paul
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  8. #878
    Member of Forum starmow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    [QUOTE=AJD Mowing;133015]
    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...e9c9a28&_uhb=1
    the joke is that people are bidding on it, located in china, zero feedback........

    edit - cut and pasted this? http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/CUB-CADET...9911415&_uhb=1[/QUOTE

    You are a good detective Paul

    And Ebay catch him, and they remove selling item..

  9. #879
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    my work here is done








    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #880
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Can I hire you?
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  11. #881
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    it will cost you getting Miranda Kerr to redefine my bed




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #882
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Maybe you can hire me so you dont get a Packer up your clacker
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  13. #883
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Customers 6 year Old Daughter: Whats the difference between an elephant and a postbox?
    Me: What?
    Customers 6 year Old Daughter: I wouldnt send you down the road to post a letter...
    Me:
    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  14. #884
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    1229892_10200380111976553_364688699_n.jpg



    ......................................




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #885
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
    bag six.

    As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot
    says "The plane can only take four of those."

    The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let
    us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

    Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even
    with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes
    and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

    A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,
    "Any idea where we are?"

    "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

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