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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #76
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Caught in the Act
    She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
    "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
    And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
    "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
    And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and quite dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three whole days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
    Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
    I found the ***y blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair just like them.."
    He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  2. #77
    Lancat
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One of my lovely customers SMS’ed these to me the other day


    Why did God create man?
    Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn


    Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, emit foul odours, and don't work half the time.

    Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
    So they can find their way back to the house

  3. #78
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    Wink Re: Jokes R Us

    MEN ARE LIKE HONDA MOWERS START FIRST TIME EVERY TIME

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  4. #79
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
    She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
    The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
    It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8 a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  5. #80
    Member of Forum Hugh Jarss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A guy was wandering round his house with a fly swatter and his wife asked him if he had killed any. Yes, he said... two males and three females... rubbish, she said, how could you possibly tell their gender ?
    Easy, he said, two were on a beercan and three were on the phone....

  6. #81
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Irish tourist is holidaying on the Gold Coast and is in awe at the beauty of the women on the pristine beaches. He tries to sweet talk some but is met with uninterest from the ladies. He spots a life guard who seems to do pretty well with the ladies so he asks for some advice. Life Guard tells him to go and buy a pair of Speedo's and put a potato down them and he'll be irresistable. So the next day the little fella rolls up to the beach in the smallest pair of budgie smugglers he could find complete with potato. To his dissapointment he is met with disgust and jeers from the beautiful women at the beach so he goes to his life guard mate to find out what he's doing wrong. Life Guard says," Mate you gotta put the potato down the FRONT of you pants!!!"

  7. #82
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A fella and his wife are driving along when a cop pulls them over for speeding. The bloke says to his wife,"Now you just sit quietly and let me do all the talking." The polilceman asks the bloke if there is any reason he was speeding to which he replies emphatically,"I can assure you there must be something wrong with your radar gun mate, there is no way I was speeding!" His wife leans across and says to the officer," He's lying Officer I've been on his back for the last 50k's to slow down, he's always speeding." With this the bloke lets fly with every derogatory remark known towards his wife and calls her every name in the book. The wife then leans over again and says,"He wasn't wearing his seat belt either officer, he quickly put it on when you pulled us over. Again the fella lets go with a torrid of abuse towards his wife. Amazed the cop asks his wife,"Does he always talk to you this way?" The wife says, " Nah not always.....only when he's pissed."

  8. #83
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by mowjoman
    A fella and his wife are driving along when a cop pulls them over for speeding. The bloke says to his wife,"Now you just sit quietly and let me do all the talking." The polilceman asks the bloke if there is any reason he was speeding to which he replies emphatically,"I can assure you there must be something wrong with your radar gun mate, there is no way I was speeding!" His wife leans across and says to the officer," He's lying Officer I've been on his back for the last 50k's to slow down, he's always speeding." With this the bloke lets fly with every derogatory remark known towards his wife and calls her every name in the book. The wife then leans over again and says,"He wasn't wearing his seat belt either officer, he quickly put it on when you pulled us over. Again the fella lets go with a torrid of abuse towards his wife. Amazed the cop asks his wife,"Does he always talk to you this way?" The wife says, " Nah not always.....only when he's pissed."

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  9. #84
    Senior Member heggie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
    and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
    long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
    tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
    "Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him
    and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't
    you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even
    turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's
    arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me
    -- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying
    ****! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
    the desert for 40 years!"

  10. #85
    Member of Forum Hugh Jarss's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    What's the hardest thing to get off a naked woman ?


    A naked man....

  11. #86
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
    a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  12. #87
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
    about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.
    Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
    So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
    "My god !" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #88
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Econemy flights, you meet them all, and their troubles.
    Whatasamatta with people - hah?
    wattasamatta! Cabramatta! Parramatta! Who cares - I'm jet lagged.
    And he droned on.
    When I was 20 I rescued two young girls from the flooded river,
    Do they call me Geuseppi the life saver -- NO!
    When I was 30 I designed the best bridge in the world.
    Do they call me Geuseppi the engineer -- NO!
    When I was 40 I paid for and built an orphanage.
    Do they call me Geuseppi the benevolent -- NO!
    When I was 50 I became a politician.
    Do they call me Geuseppi the statesman-- NO!
    But get caught screwing just one pig -****

  14. #89
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke and his wife decide to add a bit of spice to their love life so the wife buys an assortment of coloured condoms. She asks her husband which colour he'd like to try first. He says he'd like to go with the gold one. She replies snidely, "Why dont you go with silver and come second for a change".

  15. #90
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on asnowy, cold Monday
    >morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars aretotally demolished but
    >amazingly neither of them are hurt. Godworks in mysterious ways.After they
    >crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....aboutwomen drivers; the
    >woman says, "So you're a man. That'sinteresting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
    >look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a
    >sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace

    >for the rest ofour days".Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with
    >you completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at
    >fault..women shouldn't be allowed to drive.The woman continues, "And look
    >at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this
    >bottle of wine didn'tbreak. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
    >celebrate ourgood fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man
    >nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and
    >thenhands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately

    >puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.The man asks, "Aren't
    >you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
    >police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women
    >are clever, evil *****es. Don't mess with us.

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