Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #916
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

    We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.


    'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

    'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older

    and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

    She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

    'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.


    She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

    So I told her to piss off.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #917
    Member irishjim's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Bexley NSW
    Posts
    350

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

    The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

    The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman at Doug Burt’s tackle shop back

    home in SOUTHPORT.'

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

    The Aussie said 'One!'

    The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

    How much was the sale for?'

    '£124,237.64p.'

    The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

    'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

    'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

    'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

    The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

    'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
    'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

  3. #918
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
    young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
    and was replaced.
    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
    to his roosters.
    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
    rooster was performing.
    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
    just listening to the bells.
    Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
    morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
    chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
    coming, would run for cover.
    To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
    ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
    Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City
    Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was
    the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they
    also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
    politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on
    our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace
    and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
    Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  4. #919
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Southern highlands NSW
    Posts
    3,321

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I love it... I live by these standards too. Dont know why he's packing a gun tho?
    Quote Originally Posted by AJD Mowing View Post
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

  5. #920
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Little Bobby walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider? "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Bobby returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Bobby sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #921
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    5,863

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This is hilarious. Its on Facebook so I cant copy it but worth the watch.

    https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152774199418236
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #922
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Gulfview Heights South Australia
    Posts
    51

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  8. #923
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding anniversary
    when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I
    made a confession...... before we were married I was a hooker for eight years..'

    The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'my
    love, you have been a perfect wife for 10 years! and I cannot hold your past against you..
    Maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade so as to spice up our *** life a bit..?'

    She said, 'Darling I don't think you understood me correctly, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales ........'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #924
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A student asked his english professor, “what is the definition of a
    dilemma?"


    the professor said, “well, there's nothing better than an example to
    illustrate that.


    "imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful aroused naked
    young woman on one side and an excited *** man on the other.

    "who are you going to turn your back on?"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  10. #925
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.





    She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.





    The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."





    "I know," she replies, and "I'm gonna get big tits too"




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #926
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Southerland Shire NSW
    Posts
    2,877

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AJD Mowing Giving Back Your Life

    http://www.ajdmowing.com.au/

  12. #927
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Whittlesea, Vic
    Posts
    1,419

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    image001.jpg

    Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
    Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
    “What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
    “Sending me lawn away to be mowed."
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  13. #928
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Can Bearer
    Posts
    1,700

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Thought provoking ….

    Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

  14. #929
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #930
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Gulfview Heights South Australia
    Posts
    51

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


Page 62 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •