Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #946
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    5,863

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Lol...I had a request come in of the web page Saturday morning wanting an overgrown lawn done on Sunday. He did say he knows it was probably next to impossible but was willing to compensate. I politely told him that he was right it was impossible for me because I was having a beer cooking pork ribs in my smoker and I had no interest whatsoever of doing an overgrown lawn on Sunday with a hangover
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  2. #947
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Aussie Handyman

    Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the
    bathroom floor.

    Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits
    and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
    "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody
    suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

    'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll
    go across the road and get Frank.

    They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it,
    let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

    'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
    her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While
    you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

    'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

    'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
    her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  3. #948
    Senior Member BSD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Sth West Sydney.
    Posts
    1,361

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    BSD, my name is Bruce!!

  4. #949
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    5,863

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by BSD View Post
    BSD, my name is Bruce!!
    My name is Bruce too
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  5. #950
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    the nightmare …..


    In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling & I discovered that I am an aboriginal, & I'm circumcised!


    Quickly I sat up, found my pants & looked in the pockets to find my driver's licence photo & it was that same colour, black.



    I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.



    But it's a wheelchair! That means, of course, besides being black & Jewish, I'm also disabled!



    I said to myself, aloud: "This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black & Jewish & disabled!”



    “It's the pure & holy truth." whispers someone from behind me. I turn around & it's my boyfriend.



    Just what I needed!!! I am a homo***ual & on top of that, with a Kiwi boyfriend.


    Oh, my God... black, Jewish, disabled, *** with a Kiwi boyfriend, drug addict & HIV-positive!!!



    Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair & oh, nooooo. I'm bald!!!



    The telephone rings: it's my brother.



    He is saying: “Since Mum & Dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, & laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap ... any job!”



    Mum? Dad? Nooooo ... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!



    I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, *** with a Kiwi boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald & an orphan, but he doesn't get it.


    Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard & tin houses!



    There is trash everywhere.



    Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker: pacemaker??



    Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Kiwi boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand & having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighbourhood.



    At that very moment my boyfriend approaches & says to me: “Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, it’s time to go … the State of Origin game starts in an hour. Here is your QLD Jersey to wear my sweetie.”



    Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homo***ual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum &d has a Kiwi boyfriend.



    But please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I support the MAROONS




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #951
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WA Police report finding a man’’s body in the Swan River near the Narrows Bridge.

    The dead man’’s name will not be released until his family has been notified.

    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

    He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and a vote for Tony Abbott T shirt.

    He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

    The police removed the Vote for Tony Abbott T shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  7. #952
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Office Party
    Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
    headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
    preceding evening.
    After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife
    put some coffee in front of him.
    "Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad
    as I think?"
    "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete
    arse of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of
    directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his
    face."
    "He's an ar5ehole," Dave said. "I could p1ss on him."
    "You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
    "Well, f##k him then" said Dave.
    "I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday ...."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #953
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us





    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  9. #954
    Senior Member imoww's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Southern highlands NSW
    Posts
    3,321

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Loved it.... cant stop laughing so hard

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    Everything looks good with a haircut.... ɐuıɥɔ ɯoɹɟ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sʇɐɥʇ

  10. #955
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Curly went hunting one day up in The Northern Territory' and bagged three ducks.
    He put them in the back of his Ute and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a surly Territory game warden who didn't like smart alecs.
    The warden ordered Curly to show his hunting license, so Curly pulled out a valid Northern Territory license.
    The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum and said, "This duck ain't from The Territory this is a Queensland duck.
    You got a Queensland huntin' license?"
    Curly reached into his wallet and produced a Queensland license.
    The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said "This ain't a Queensland duck. This duck's from West Australia, you got a West Australian license?"
    Curly reached into his wallet and produced A West Australian hunting license.
    The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, "This ain't a Western Australian duck, this duck's from South Australia, you got a South Australian Huntin license?" Curly reached into his wallet, and brought out a South Australian license.
    The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Curly "just where the hell are you from?"
    Curly smiled turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said,
    "You tell me, you're the expert..."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  11. #956
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Can Bearer
    Posts
    1,700

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    good one redeye.

  12. #957
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.


    The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled, "Mayday, Mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!"

    The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.
    "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

    He began his series of questions:

    Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"

    Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."

    Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"

    Aircraft: “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #958
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us





    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #959
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
    The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
    The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
    The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  15. #960
    Member Redeye's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Shoalhaven ,NSW
    Posts
    5,548

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
    > make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for
    > some advice.
    > Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old
    > baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
    > They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair
    > of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato
    > down inside 'em.
    > I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
    > The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new
    > tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was
    > disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and
    > laughing, looking sick!
    > So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong
    > now?'' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in
    > the front!'




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

Page 64 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •