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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #991
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.


    Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.

    The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

    "We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

    Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

    "Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

    The social workers are finally satisfied.

    They ask, "What age and *** of child are you hoping to adopt?"

    "It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  2. #992
    Senior Member NLALM's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    VIAGRA, it wont make you James Bond.........but it will make you Roger Moore

  3. #993
    Senior Member edbeek's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

    She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

    Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

    "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

    “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

  4. #994
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man comes home with a sheep under his arm and says "honey I would like you to meet the pig that I sleep with when you say you have a head ache."

    His wife looks up and says you stupid moron can’t you tell the difference between a pig and a sheep.

    He says "I wasn’t talking to you"

  5. #995
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    our illustrious navy, 2nd bush fire burn-off that has gotten away from them in less than 12 months on the range behind our village http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/holidaymak...06-grwet6.html ......they're a bloody joke




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  6. #996
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    If it gets onto the gunnery range there might be a nice fireworks show
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  7. #997
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    might save them looking for UXO before the xmas holidays Bluey




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  8. #998
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    our illustrious navy, 2nd bush fire burn-off that has gotten away from them in less than 12 months on the range behind our village http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/holidaymak...06-grwet6.html ......they're a bloody joke
    They are game. I'm no expert but spring is notorious for flukey strong winds. Can't be a good time either for all those poor birds nesting in the bush at the moment.

  9. #999
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    "Crews have worked a buffer around the lighthouse and they've carefully conducted a backburn along Honeymoon Bay Road," Mr Redman said.

    "They're patrolling around the lighthouse to make sure any spot fires around there will be put out quickly."


    The guy makes it sound like they are doing a great job redeye. Maybe your just a glass half empty person ;-) tongue firmly in cheek

  10. #1000
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    might save them looking for UXO before the xmas holidays Bluey
    I dropped many a shot on that range. Did a fair bit of demolitions training there as well. We normally started the fires with our shoots
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  11. #1001
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
    The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
    So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
    However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
    The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
    After all, this was a very delicate matter.
    After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
    She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
    All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
    One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
    She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  12. #1002
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
    Every morning
    she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  13. #1003
    Member Redeye's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet




    http://curraronggardening.com/

    "All sin is washed away in the Holy goodness of Beer"
    Book of Redeye, Psalm 69

  14. #1004
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Quote Originally Posted by Redeye View Post
    After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet
    What a dog act.

  15. #1005
    Senior Member steveo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:


    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing
    to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...

    Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna.

    The postal worker was touched.
    He showed the letter to all the other workers.
    Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent it to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.
    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:


    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
    friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing.

    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely,

    Edna

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