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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #91
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

    However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

    The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens !!".

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  2. #92
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS? A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a
    >subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered

    >with red lipstick,
    >
    >and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
    >
    >
    >He opened his newspaper and began reading.
    >
    >
    >After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
    >
    >"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
    >
    >
    >The priest replies,
    >
    > "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too

    >much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
    >prostitutes and lack of a bath."
    >
    >
    >The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to
    >his paper.
    >
    >
    >The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

    >"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
    >arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
    >
    >
    >I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
    >
    > Regards Mike
    >

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  3. #93
    Senior Member heggie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the stove.

    If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
    The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
    ~~{Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.}~~

  4. #94
    Senior Member heggie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    To start the day rightly:
    Instructions

    1. Open a new file in your PC.
    2. Name it "George W. Bush".
    3. Send it to the trash.
    4. Empty the trash.
    5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
    6. Answer calmly "Yes" pressing firmly on the mouse's button.
    ~~{Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.}~~

  5. #95
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

    The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

  6. #96
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bloke came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

    He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

    When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

    "Who the hell are you?" Demanded the bloke,

    "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

    The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

    The poor fella was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!

    That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

    St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

    The bloke was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

    A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

    "This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

    "It's not so bad" replies the new hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

    "Never" replies the bloke

    "Well just relax and let it happen"

    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.

    An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

    When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

    "Oi, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*tting the bed"

  7. #97
    Member dan1312's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: Jokes R Us

    thats a beauty!!!!!

  8. #98
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An armish bloke and his son visit a city for the first time and are in wonder of all the sites they've never seen before. They enter an office building foyer and all thats in the room is two shinny walls beside each other. They both are scratching their heads wondering what the purpose of these walls are when an extreamley large lady walks up to the two doors and presses a button next to them. The walls open and the lady walks into the tiny room on the other side of them. Before they close again the Armish bloke notices that she looks like she'd fallen from an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. When the doors close they notice that a set of numbers on top of the walls lights up in sequencial order, pauses then start to light up again in the opposite sequence. Suddenly the walls open again and a beautiful blonde lady exits from the little room on the other side. The Armish guy quickly and enthusiastically says to his son, "Quick boy, go and get your mother!"

  9. #99
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    The Curry Contest

    For those of you who have lived in New Delhi, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show .

    Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****ed from all the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

    CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

    CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

    Judge # 3 - No Report.
    ~ Joanne ~

  10. #100
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Still LMAO
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  11. #101
    Senior Member bb1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Good Medical Info

    A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and obtained a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
    >
    He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
    >
    With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
    >
    The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor"?
    >
    The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

  12. #102
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

    The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

    The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

    The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

    The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

    The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

    The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
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  13. #103
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

    If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
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  14. #104
    Translawner administrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Happy Marriage



    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple" The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

    The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."


    "We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.


    I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

    And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after.

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  15. #105
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A bit long winded but worth it.....


    A couple put up an add for a border to occupy an empty room in their house to make a bit of extra money. An 18 year old girl applies and seems to fit the bill so they offer the room to her. The wife is quick however to point out that they dont have a bathroom so she will have to bath in an old tin in front of the fire place, my husband plays darts every Monday night so you can enjoy a bath on those nights if you like.
    She agrees that thats fine. Come Monday night the husband goes off to darts and the wife prepares a hot bath for the young lady in front of the fire. While the girl is disrobing the wife sees that the girl has no "grass on the paddock" so to speak. She's shocked by this and is quick to tell her husband when he comes home. The husband doesnt believe his wife so she says well next Monday I'll leave the curtain opened a crack so you can see for yourself.
    As promised the wife does this when Monday night comes around and the girl is just about to lower herself into the bath when the wife says to her, "I noticed you dont have any hair on your nether regions my dear" to which the girl replies, "No I never have, why do you?" The wife says god yes and quickly pulls her dress up revealling her unmanicured mass.....
    When the husband comes home his wife asks him, "Well see I told you didnt I" the husband says well yes you did but why on earth did you have to show YOURSELF to her??? "Whats the bloody difference, you've seen it before" Husband says "Yeah I have but the f*#ckn darts team hadn't!!!!!"

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