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Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #106
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

    Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
    London Lawyer says, "What for?"

    Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
    London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

    Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
    London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

    Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"

    London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

    Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

  2. #107
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqLvB...eature=related


    George bush is funny
    Takes time to restore kaos

    is george bush an idiot
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whhbP...eature=related
    Last edited by administrator; 20-11-2007 at 02:15 AM.

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  3. #108
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
    > > take the words back...
    > >
    > > Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > FIRST TESTIMONY:
    > >
    > > I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
    > > three kids in tow and asked loudly,
    > > "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?"
    > > I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
    > > My husband didn't say a word.. he knew better.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > SECOND TESTIMONY:
    > > I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
    > > balls.
    > > I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
    > > After browsing for several minutes,
    > > I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
    > > who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
    > > Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,
    > > "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > THIRD TESTIMONY:
    > >
    > > My sister and I were at the mall and
    > > passed by a store that sold a
    > > variety of candy and nuts.
    > > As we were looking at the display case,
    > > the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
    > > I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
    > > My sister started to laugh hysterically.
    > > The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
    > > To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > FOURTH TESTIMONY :
    > >
    > > While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided
    > > to release
    > > some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
    > > grab hold of
    > > her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
    > > other patrons.
    > > I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now"
    > > she would be punished.
    > > To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
    > > just as threatening,
    > > "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
    > > I saw you
    > > kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
    > > The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
    > > Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
    > > I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the
    > > bank with my daughter in tow.
    > > The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me,were
    > > screams of laughter.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > FIFTH TESTIMONY:
    > >
    > > Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
    > > My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty
    > > training
    > > and I was on him constantly.
    > > One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
    > > between errands.
    > > It was very busy, with a full dining room.
    > > While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,so of
    > > course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
    > > and she was clean.
    > > Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a
    > > while.
    > > I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
    > > I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
    > > and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
    > >
    > > Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
    > > accident?"
    > > "No," he replied.
    > > I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the
    > > smell was getting worse.
    > > So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
    > > accident?"
    > > This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,bent over,
    > > spread his cheeks and yelled
    > > "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
    > >
    > > While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
    > > laughing,
    > > he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
    > >
    > > An older couple made me feel better,thanking me for the
    > > best laugh they'd ever had!
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
    > >
    > > This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
    > > days
    > > and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
    > > in the future, likely think before she speaks.
    > > What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
    > > We had a female news anchor who,
    > > the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
    > > turned to the weatherman and asked:
    > > "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
    > > night?"
    > > Not only did HE have to leave the set,
    > > but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > Now, didn't that feel good?
    > >
    > > Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,and
    > > remember...
    > >
    > > we all say things we don't really mean,so think before you
    > > speak.
    >

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  4. #109
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    I met a bloke walking along the beach with one thong.
    LOSE A THONG MATE?
    Nah! I just found one.

  5. #110
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Classic.....
    Attached Images Attached Images

  6. #111
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

    "Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

    I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest room by 76.39 percent.

    I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

    "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

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    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

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  7. #112
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  8. #113
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blonde walks by an electronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216.

    So she goes in and asked for the TV in the front window but the salesman said "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

    So she just stormed out. She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." came the reply.

    By this time she was desperate so she goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman just goes, 'We don't sell to blondes.'

    'How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?"

    "We only have microwaves in the front window."
    ~ Joanne ~

  9. #114
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    No longer is it necessary to "up there" without one!!!!

    <a href="http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/?action=view&current=SCrk.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v245/alyssasmum/SCrk.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>
    ~ Joanne ~

  10. #115
    Junior Member JJR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
    'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

    'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
    'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

    'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
    The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

    'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
    They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

    The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
    JR

  11. #116
    Junior Member JJR's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns
    GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in Aus? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.

    I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

    ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

    ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

    GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

    ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

    GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

    ®
    ST. FRANCIS: You' d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

    ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

    ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

    GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

    GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
    JR

  12. #117
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the
    beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long
    been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving
    couple"
    The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
    long and happy marriage.
    The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
    America,"
    explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took
    a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too
    far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
    looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my
    wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
    horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver
    from her purse and shot the horse dead.
    I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the
    poor animal like that, are you f*ckin crazy!?" She looked at ME, and
    quietly said, "That's once."
    And from that moment....."we have lived happily every after
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #118
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

    One asked, "What are ya up to, Mate?"

    "Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

    "Oh yeah........and what route are you takin'?"

    "Ah, prob'ly the Missus.............. after all, she stuck by me durin' the Drought...

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  14. #119
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Now heres a plumber with a sense of humour
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  15. #120
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
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    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    2 blondes standing on different river banks 1xNSW - 1xVic
    NSW blond "How do you get over to the other side?
    Vic blond "You're already there"

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