Independent LawnMowing Contractors Of Australia Forum

Thread: Jokes R Us

  1. #121
    Junior Member baz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    gold coast
    Posts
    23

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...?
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer??

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding?

    Older Woman: Oh, I see?

    Officer: Can I see your license please??

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one?

    Officer: Don't have one??

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving?

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

    Older Woman: I can't do that?

    Officer: Why not??

    Older Woman: I stole this car?

    Officer: Stole it??

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner?

    Officer: You what??

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see?

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun?

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle?

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir??

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner?

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner??

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk?

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am??

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers?
    The officer is quite stunned?

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license?

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer?

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled?

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner?

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too?





    Don't Mess With Old Ladies?
    If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.?




    I just did!



  2. #122
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    577

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
    beer.

    All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
    air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika our
    glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,"
    he says.

    The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
    into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate,
    in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need
    to drink out the same glass either," he says.

    The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
    His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
    the Kiwi.

    He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
    many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the
    same ones twice.

  3. #123
    Senior Member heggie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Mount Annan
    Posts
    170

    Default Maori Technology

    Maori Technology



    "After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



    Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

    One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua (Maori elder), reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."
    ~~{Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.}~~

  4. #124
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Stanhope Gardens
    Posts
    218

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
    down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to
    hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
    the shower.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
    timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
    be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
    move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
    tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

    https://stratamaintenance.net
    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  5. #125
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
    attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
    'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
    indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
    wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
    to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
    nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
    the gentleman.

    The note read:

    'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '


    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.


    It read:

    'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

  6. #126
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

    So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at ***.

    'The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the *** god he was. The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a *** freak?

    'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.

    'So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you got dem on da wrong feet!'...

  7. #127
    Senior Member kakegc's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    577

    Default Re: Jokes R Us


  8. #128
    Senior Member NWGL's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Stanhope Gardens
    Posts
    218

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Prepare now for the Beijing Olympics.

    Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese


    That's not right! Sum Ting Wong

    Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

    See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao

    Stupid Man Dum Fuk

    Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

    Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

    I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

    I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat

    It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim

    I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching

    This is a tow away zone! No Pah King

    Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao

    Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo

    He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka

    Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu

    Great Fa Kin Su Pa
    Stanhope Gardens And Lawns

    Gardening & landscaping, lawn mowing, strata cleaning & maintenance, high pressure cleaning

    Residential | Real estate | Strata | Industrial & commercial

    https://stratamaintenance.net
    https://stanhopegardensandlawns.com.au

  9. #129
    Senior Member mowjoman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Innisfail NQ
    Posts
    705

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    This is why blokes dont pick the wedding cake...Hee hee hee...
    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #130
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
    Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him.
    Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
    The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.
    While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
    What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
    "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple
    .
    "OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  11. #131
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Melbourne outer east
    Posts
    1,766

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    You know you're Australian if....

    1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

    2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

    3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

    4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

    5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

    6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

    7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

    8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

    9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

    10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

    11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

    12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

    13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

    14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

    15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

    16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

    17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

    18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

    19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

    20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

    21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

    22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

    23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

    24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

    25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

    26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

    27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

    28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

    29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

    30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

    31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

    32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

    33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

    34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

    35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

    36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

    37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

    38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

    39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

    40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

    41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

    42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
    ~ Joanne ~

  12. #132
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Q: What did the scot's father say when his son asked him for twenty dollars? A: "Fifteen dollars? What do you need ten dollars for?
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  13. #133
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A blond bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  14. #134
    Very Helpful Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    melb.sth. east
    Posts
    4,908

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    A black and a white man bought a rock house next to each other. After a week, Chris (the white one) paints his house pink, so that It is different than Ron’s (the black guy). So Ron does that as well. The next day, Chris, made a fence around it and paints it white, so the black guy does it as well. After a year, Chris gets a bit pissed off and decides to sell the house. So he made one of those boards saying „FOR SALE – $1.000.000 . The following day Rod makes the same board but his price was $2.000.000 . So Chris was now really upset and decided to ask his neighbor:
    - „Say, Rod, why is your trashy house more expensive than mine?
    - Black guy: “Cuz you have a black neighbor, mine’s white.“
    Anything Ian says may or may not be garbage, it may also be his own opinion or it may not be his opinion at all, it may just be something he felt like stating anyone following his advice does so at their own risk and may be doing something Ian would actually advise against.
    And if you don't like what Ian has to say use the ignore function if you don't know how ask i will gladly tell you

  15. #135
    Senior Member lawn order's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    3225
    Posts
    269

    Default Re: Jokes R Us

    Dinkum.
    The other day I was asked for a quote.
    Went to the address and quoted - $55 "You have got the job, my name is Mr Neasan but you
    can call me Hans."
    I said "Hans Neasan? - boomsidaisy.
    He said passoff!
    HAAaah! - you win some - you loose some.

Page 9 of 69 FirstFirst 123456789101112131415161718192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445464748495051525354555657585960616263646566676869 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •