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Thread: Damn

  1. #1
    Member of forum C.O.R.Y.S's Avatar
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    Default Damn

    my wife is about to deploy to afghanistan in two weeks for 8 months. i followed her to townsville to allow her to fufil her dream of being in the army and left all my friends and family behind in sydney to do so. i havent been working and have never dealt well with being alone and as such have been very miserable and just not myself. adding to that for the last month or so we have been very distant to each other which the army psyc told us is a very normal coping mechanisms leading into a long seperation. anyway, on the weekend she decided to tell me she is seriously thinking about leaving me. she says its because ive changed so much and im not the same person she married and while she still loves me she is not in love with me, even though thats only the case because i gave up my old life to follow her. i finally thought things were looking up when i started this business, something ive always wanted to do, but it turns out she resents me for that to because it has made money so tight and we havent been able to do anything other than pay bills and eat. i honestly dont know what to do, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i feel permanently sick in the guts and ive lost all motivation to continue trying to build my work load up, which hasnt been happening anyway and im really struggling. i already knew the next 8 months were gonna be the hardest of my life but i was prepared for them because i could see how much better things would be when she got back, but i honestly dont know how im going to get through this now not knowing if im even going to have a wife coming back to me now. part of me just wants to give up and move back to sydney but i dont want to do that and i have to much at stake here now, but if i go through this and then she tells me we are through when she gets back i think it will kill me.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    C.O.R.Y.S, I just wanted you to know that I have read your post but because I am at work, can't really reply at length. Just didn't want you to think..wow...heaps of views but no responses.

    I will be back later!
    ~ Joanne ~

  3. #3
    Member Andy B's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Crikey man, pretty full on, everyone has their story to tell but remember while you're away from your friends and family they are still there just a call or a skype away. I'm guessing you and wife have been over thinking tough times, like someone famous once said "Tough times don't last, tough people do." Keep your chin up mate, you'll be right no matter which way it all goes.

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    Senior Member St George's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Been thru a tough time myself a while back in almost the same situation as you Cory.we moved from mount ISA to Sydney and it all went wrong.considered going back aswell but stuck it out, picked myself up and just thought about how I can be positive and move on.mate stay positive and build your business and keep busy.you are starting a new chapter in your life so chin up and push forward.

  5. #5
    Member courty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Chin up son,married life can be a tough slog sometimes especially when finances are tight.My wife and I have been together for 20yrs(married for 14 of them) and the last 18 months have been the toughest for us financially but we haven't let that affect our relationship(it's had it's moments though lol ).Always keep the lines of communication open between each other,make sure if your not working or promoting your business you are getting everthing done at home that needs doing so they don't have to do it. Use the next 8 months to build the business without the pressure of the relationship.
    Do you play sport? Join the footy team or fishing club,just keep yourself busy.

    In a nutshell,try and make sure you are doing everything YOU can do to make it work the rest is up to her and whatever the outcome don't beat yourself up over it.
    "I'm not alone cause the tv's on yeah,I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills.... everyday" Jimmy Eat World

    http://www.dreamlawnsandlandscapes.com

  6. #6
    Senior Member AJD Mowing's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    C.O.R.Y.S, The worst thing you can do is sit around thinking. Mate the best thing is to keep busy. Throw yourself in to work and you may find that will be a blessing in disguise..
    All the best mate...

  7. #7
    Member geoff1969's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    **** cory , maybe deep down inside mate thats not realy her talking maybe the stress ls catching up to her with leaving for 8 months , entering the unknow , stressing , etc and its those things playing on her mind and sort of talking through her = dont let her leave on a bad note and while shes away keep regular contact and keep working your ass off so when she gets back home your business is going well ..... then both try to take a holiday and reform get to know each other again ...
    cheers mate chin up ...

  8. #8
    Senior Member glassngrass's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    It is always darkest just before the dawn...
    David
    Mr Sparkle Car Spa

  9. #9
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Mate...I have seen things similar to this when I was in the defence force although it normally was the member getting the bad news not the other way around. Maybe Geoff is right and the stress of deploying is affecting her. Maybe not. I am no pyche but what ever you do you two have to have this sorted before she goes otherwise it will eat at both of you.

    Now not many know this but I have been married 3 times. Once in the defence force. It was great but when I left it for civvy life because I didn't want my marriage to fail like so many other in the navy...guess what it went down the gurgler...my ex said much the same thing to me. It killed me at the time. But in hindsight we were not the right couple. Then I made my second mistake and that was a nightmare.

    But my third wife is what I was looking for all along and we have been together for 11 years now. I was just too stupid to see it. I was chasing women who I was not compatible with and it took a bit of time for me to grow up and see that.

    I am not going to offer you any advice on what to do mate because there are so many things I don't know. All I am going to say is remain true to yourself and always remember there is life after everything.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  10. #10
    Senior Member Mrs HMS's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    As promised, I'm back to post in some more detail, for what that may be worth.

    Everything about the situation you both find yourself in is stressful at the moment.

    New town
    No family and friends to act as a support mechanism
    New business
    Doing it tough financially
    Pending deployment to a war zone

    In all of that you both have things that you will stress about personally and things that you will both stress about.

    Add to that one basic fundamental thing....men and women are very different emotionally and each person responds to stress differently.

    I would imagine that your wife is very nervous about her deployment and equally nervous about being away from you for 8 months.

    I don't know about others but the two memorable times when Timmy and I got to breaking point (and we've been married 20 years next year) was when we were financially at out lowest. Once when we were relative newly weds and I was studying full time and he was on a lowly sales person's salary, I had to leave uni and get a job or we may not have made it. The other time was when Tim decided to start his own garden maintenance business. As we all know, it takes all your savings to set yourself up properly and it can easily seem like you are never going to get to the point of earning a living, as opposed to just meeting your overheads.

    Tim handled the stress much like you...quietly which effectively shut me out from something that equally affected me. I'm a talker/communicator. He withdraws in to himself and away from me. I resented that. He resented that I wouldn't shut up about it. Viscious cycle. Honestly, the only advice I have is to talk it out, how you both feel, why you behave like you do and then find a way to compromise. It takes a stellar effort on both sides but it is definately worth doing. He had to learn to not shut me out and I had to learn to sometimes just shut the hell up and let him be. Many a time I would say...OK. I'll let you hide in your cave for a while, but then can we talk?

    We identified that the stress was cause resentment and making us both lose site of why we married each other in the first place. We made time for us. "Date night" Bearing in mind we had no money so "date" rarely involved spending money but it's amazing what you can find in your community that's free if you really look. We also had lots of picnics where we shared a stubby LOL.

    While you wife is away concentrate on building your business. 8 months is an age in this industry and you will be amazed how much things turn around in that time. Set your work hours for the week, not just based on actual jobs but on how much you would like to allocate to your business. Spend that time working on the business. Knock on doors, do those individual quote. When you have a job in one street, if you have time when it's finished knock on doors, tell them you just worked on number whatever if they want to see your work and you will be happy to provide a free no obligation quote now, or another time. Go and see the real estate agents and strate property managers in your area (the real estate institute websites have lists). Ask all the schools, kinders, daycare centres and churches if you can leave fliers and while you're there ask if they have a lawnie. Drop in to all the shops that have gardens or lawns. Work your business during the business hours you set for yourself.

    Don't forget to also make time for yourself. Catch up with fellow lawnies in your area for tips and a beer, helps you build not only a business support network but also a personal one. Look for clubs in your area (another great source of leads) for things you are interested in be it sport or whatever and volunteer some time to help the club out (clubs wouldn't exist without volunteers) again you will meet new people and form new friendships. As daggy as it sounds, Tim delivered meals on wheels once a week. The elderly love a visitor and they are honestly the best clients you can have, doing something to help really gave him that warm fuzzy feeling and we got quite a few clients out of it too.

    Keep coming in here and venting/sharing.
    ~ Joanne ~

  11. #11
    Member Tender Lovin Lawn&Garden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Quote Originally Posted by C.O.R.Y.S View Post
    my wife is about to deploy to afghanistan in two weeks for 8 months. i followed her to townsville to allow her to fufil her dream of being in the army and left all my friends and family behind in sydney to do so. i havent been working and have never dealt well with being alone and as such have been very miserable and just not myself. adding to that for the last month or so we have been very distant to each other which the army psyc told us is a very normal coping mechanisms leading into a long seperation. anyway, on the weekend she decided to tell me she is seriously thinking about leaving me. she says its because ive changed so much and im not the same person she married and while she still loves me she is not in love with me, even though thats only the case because i gave up my old life to follow her. i finally thought things were looking up when i started this business, something ive always wanted to do, but it turns out she resents me for that to because it has made money so tight and we havent been able to do anything other than pay bills and eat. i honestly dont know what to do, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i feel permanently sick in the guts and ive lost all motivation to continue trying to build my work load up, which hasnt been happening anyway and im really struggling. i already knew the next 8 months were gonna be the hardest of my life but i was prepared for them because i could see how much better things would be when she got back, but i honestly dont know how im going to get through this now not knowing if im even going to have a wife coming back to me now. part of me just wants to give up and move back to sydney but i dont want to do that and i have to much at stake here now, but if i go through this and then she tells me we are through when she gets back i think it will kill me.
    spent the last six months going through the same **** mate except mmine keeps sending the coppers around here cause she is making different accusations of all different types. Its going to be hard mate. Sorry to hear about the situation and i dont wish it on anyone but it will be hard.
    Tender Lovin Lawn and Garden Care
    We do everything for your lawn and garden with tender loving care
    find us on facebook under Tender Lovin Lawn and Garden Care

  12. #12
    Member of forum C.O.R.Y.S's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    its not looking good

  13. #13
    Senior Member Bluey's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Mate have you gone for some counselling. At least give it a shot before either one of you pulls the pin.
    Cheers

    Bluey
    Adelaide Home & Garden Solutions
    http://www.ahgs.com.au


    "Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when everyone is watching."

  14. #14
    Member of forum Jayk's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Hope you hang in there mate. Whatever happens ya have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and believe that it will get better, no matter what ya think.!

  15. #15
    Member of forum Sandgroper's Avatar
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    Default Re: Damn

    Why do you need to be in Townsville ?

    She is away for a few months head back to Sydney,,

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